Letters for your smile.

Reason of Leave Application Infosys, Bangalore :

An employee applied for leave as follows: "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

Another gem from CDAC. Leave letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

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From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

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An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

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A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- · Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

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Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

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Letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

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A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

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How to catch a lion?

Newton's Method:

Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Ramarajan Method :

Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion will die notwithstanding that heavy weight.

Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):

Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness(third) into the Forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, Then also you wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):

Take the lion to Australia or US... And kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him!!!

Ravi Shastri method:

Ask the lion to bowl at you. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.

MR.X JOKES

MR.X

Mr. X did bite his friend's nose. Case went to the court.
Judge (to Mr.X): Why did u bite his nose?
Mr. X: I didn't. He did bite his nose.
Judge: How come? The mouth is underneath the nose? How can he bite??!
Mr. X: Why not? He can stand up on a chair and can bite.

Mr. X going to airport with his friend for the first time...

Mr. X: What is that flight, taking off?
Friend: Boeing 747

The next day he went with his another friend and saw the same flight landing... then says to his friend....

"I know the name of the flight... 'Vanding' 747!"

Mr. x wrote letter to his friend it goes like this:
Dear friend I am in well I hope you are also in well ..........

One day Mr. X seriously went to the backyard of his house and started trying to shake the well (kinaru) before taking a tonic. Because in the tonic bottle it's written as "Shake well before use" !!!

One night Mr. X was searching something under a street light. His friend came and asked "Hey X what are you doing here ...?”Mr. X: "I lost my ring.”His friend: "Exactly where you lost?” Mr. X: "Near the corner of next street "His friend: "Then why you are searching here ... go and search there "Mr. X: "Ya. That's right. But there's no street light in that street. So, how can I search in the dark? That's why I'm searching here!!!"


Mr. X invented a car that can run in electricity with out the need for gas (petrol). He started bragging to everybody that his car can run up to 1000 meters in electricity. His friend asked him why the car can’t go further. Mr. X replied "Where can I find that much lengthy wire to plug in at home & take the car anywhere I want to?"

One time MR. X brought a guy to dig well in his house. The Guy check all over the house & told Mr.X in your ground there is no water resource so I cannot dig a well" .Mr.X replied "No problem if it is not in my ground it should be in the terrace".

One day Mr.X's little son was filling up an application and asked Mr.X what to write in the "Mother Tongue:" field. Mr.X simply said 'write approximately 6cm'

Once Mr.X went for an interview in the Navy. Interviewer: Do you know how to swim? Mr.X: Why, don't you have boats in the Navy?

Mr. X got a job as a teacher, the day he entered the class he asked the students to introduce.
.MR. X: What is your father's name?
Student 1: Mr. David
MR. X: What is your name?
Sstudent1: Davidson
MR. X: What is your name?
Student2: Palani
MR. X: What is your father's name?
Student2: Palaniappa.
MR. X went to the head master & said Sir! I want to quite my job. The head master asked him what is the problem. And Mr.X replied I'm the most confusing man but the students are more confusing than me.

SPORTS JOKES

Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!

How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?

"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter

"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

GENERAL JOKES.

• A pretty rich man was a regular customer of a famous store. He parked his Mercedes and entered his store. Only after a few minutes, his favorite salesgirl came running him to tell him that someone stole his Mercedes. When asked why she didn't tried to stop him, she said that she at least noted the number of the car.

• A fool of all times went to the doctor. Both his ears were burnt. The doctor exclaimed, "What happened?" He told the doctor that as he was ironing his shirt, someone called and he picked up the iron instead of the receiver of the phone and stuck it to his ear. When the doctor asked about the other ear, he ejaculated, "The son of a bitch called back."

• A young fashionable woman on a vacation in Louisiana was desperate to buy a pair of genuine alligator shoes but she was told that she could only get them for the price she was willing to pay, if she caught her own alligator. So, she headed for the swamps. In the evening, one of the shopkeepers were amazed to see the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand and about five or six alligators by her side. She killed yet another one in front of him and hauled it on to the swamp bank. Then, she shouted in frustration, "Why, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

• Three partners of a Lawyer firm were attending a convention out of town. As the plane carried them to their destination one of the partners gulped and told the second partner Oh my gosh I forgot to lock the safe. The third partner said There is nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!

• How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say Fees!

• One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

• A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant withfriends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

• Man: Is there any way for long life?Dr: Get married.Man: Will it help?Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

• Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fightbegins!

• Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes

• It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

• It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things aswomen and then he turns them into Wives.

• If u r married please ignore this msg, for everyone else: Happy Independence DayBefore marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking aboutsomething you say.After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finishThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster thanelectronic banking. It's called marriage.

• Girlfriends r like chocolates,taste good anytime.Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice. Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master ofWomen'?Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

• Q: Why dogs don't marry?A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much thathe would go through hell for her. They got married and now he isgoing thru hell.

• Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & theother ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life

• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the sameoffence!

BLONDES

There were three women colleagues - an Asian, an European and a Blonde. They noticed that their lady boss left work a little early every day, so they decided to follow in her footsteps and leave early too. Next day, the Asian was glad to have caught some extra hours of sleep; the European was happy that she could do some extra workout and cook a delicious dinner for her date too. However, the Blonde just sighed and said that she was relieved not to have been caught by the boss who was there in her bedroom with her husband

SARDAR JOKES

• SARDAR WAS GOING TO CHANDIGARH FROM PUNE BY A AIR-INDIA PLANE, HE SAT ON THE WINDOW SIDE SEAT WHICH WAS ACTUALLY MEANT FOR AN OLD LADY. AFTER SOME TIME THE OLD LADY CAME AND REQUESTED THE SARDARJI TO LEAVE THE SIDE SEAT. BUT SARDARJI TOLD "I WANT TO SEE THE VIEW FROM THE WINDO AND SHALL NOT LEAVE" THE OLD LADY THEN COMPLAINED TO THE AIR HOSTESS. THE AIR HOSTESS CAME AND REQUESTED THE SARDARI TO LEAVE THAT SEAT. BUT SARDARJI WAS ADAMANT AND DID NOT TO LEAVE. THE THE AIR HOSTESS WENT AND TOLD THE ASST. CAPT. HE ALSO CAME AND REQUESTED BUT IN VAIN. FINALLY THE CAPTAIN CAME. HE WHISPERED SOMETHING IN THE EARS OF THE SARDARJI, AND THE SARDARJI IMMEDIATELY LEFT THE SIDE SEAT AND RETURNED TO THE MIDDLE SEAT. ASHTONISHED, THE AIRHOSTESS AND THE ASST. CAPT. ASKED THE CAPT WHAT HE TOLD TO THE SARDARDJI CAPT. REPLIED "NOTHING" I JUST TOLD HIM ONLY THE MIDDLE SEATS WILL GO TO CHANDIGARH. ALL OTHERS WILL GO TO JALANDHAR


• WHY CANT' SARDAR DIAL 911? THEY CANNOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE Phone Directory

• OH, LOOK AT THE DEAD BIRD" SARDAR LOOKED SKYWARD AND SAID "WHERE, WHERE?

• NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine. However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem. Finally, there was an Sardar who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything. "Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway. "Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said. The engineers did. "Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space! Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied - "It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Bajaj scooters in India".

• The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he wouldlose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight,but he had a problem.
  "What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  I'm 2400 kms from home.

• Sardar ji is buying a TV"Do you have color TVs?""Sure.""Give me a green one, please."

• Sardar Ji calls Air India."How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?""Just a sec," says the rep.Thank you." says the Sardar ji and hangs up.

• Sardar ji is filling up a job applicationHe promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.Then came the column SALARY EXPECTEDAfter much thought he writes: Yes

• Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object.He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."The Sardar asks, "What does it do?"The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"He said, "It's a Thermos flask."The boss asks, "What does it do?"He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

• Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home.Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaintslike "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."

• What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

• What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extrasheet?He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.

• There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point,"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave..."No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and thenwe would become a State of USA and develop automatically."All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surdwas not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCEWE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

• Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain."I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman."Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returnedto tell the salesman"I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied."Damn, he recognised me," he thought.He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour,new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again."I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?""Because that's a microwave," he replied.

• Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?Because below 18 was not allowed.

• How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence?Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear.

• Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefoot!"

• What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

• What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

• How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

• What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.

• Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

• Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.

• How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.

• What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

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Sardarji's Funda (Long live Bachelors)

Every man should get married some time;
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! ...
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. ...
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Don't marry for money;
you can borrow it cheaper. ...
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I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years. ...
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Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier...
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When a newly married couple smiles,
everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why. ...
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife. ..